Desperate- Help me find JOY in you and not people and places

Listening to this song this morning getting ready for church. This line jumped out at me heart..."Help me find JOY in you and not people and places!"

Ouch. Guilty.  People will let you down but there is One who will not. He loves me although I am unworthy and desperate. 
 
Desperate by Lecrae (my thoughts exactly....)

I'm so desperate, I can't believe I've sinned against you
Create in me a clean heart (I'm so sorry)
Your mercy is what I need

Woke up this morning too depressed and shamed to leave my bed
Can't stand to see my own reflection so I hang my head
Feel like a disappointment like the scum of the earth
I'm so hurt I know you see I can't cover my dirt
My souls dying hearts weak and I can't even cry
I'm sposed to run to you but WHY I'm such an evil guy
The sun's shining but for me it's the darkest of days
Try to pretend it never happened but the guilt remains
I leave the house it feels like everybody knows I did it
Feels like they reading my mind and know the sin I committed
Through your blood I'm aquitted but my heart doesnt get it
Oh God I'm desperate for Help cause I'm grieving your Spirit
I couldn't sing in the sunday service, Lord I felt fake
And when they started communion I just made an escape
I'm in need of your grace
Feels like you hid your face
Lead me back to cross and show me my sins erased

I'm waste deep in my pity
Is Satan tryna trick me and tell me you won't forgive me
Cause it's startin to get me
Jesus help me quickly I hate wrong I've done
I know we all fall but I feel like the only one
Feels like I should be shunned
Should I punish myself
I know it's dumb cause by your death all my sin has been dealt
But my sin is been felt
I didn't want to do it
But what I want to do I don't
I swear I'm gonna to lose it
Try to open my bible I need to read your pages

I need you Lord but my guilt has got me feeling so faithless
Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Have mercy on me God according to your steady love
Wipe away my transgression and wash me in your blood
Create in me a clean heart renew a right spirit
Don't take your Spirit away your Presence keep me near it
I'm waiting patience on you Lord I know you hear my cry
Restore your Joy in me
For you alone I live and die

It's you I Glorify cause you don't want my sacrifice
You want me broken and contrite trusting in the Christ
I confess to you my sin and you show me mercy
I turn away from it demonstrating that you are worthy
Over lust, over pride, over all sin
Is my affection for Jesus is who died for all them
I was lost now I'm found I was toss to the ground
My sin weighed on me heavy but I am no longer bound
As sure as Christ wears the crown
I know that grace will abound
And even when I feel lost I know in You I am found

I'm so desperate, I can't believe I've sinned against you
Create in me a clean heart (I'm so sorry)
Your mercy is what I need

Woke up this morning too depressed and shamed to leave my bed
Can't stand to see my own reflection so I hang my head
Feel like a disappointment like the scum of the earth
I'm so hurt I know you see I can't cover my dirt
My souls dying hearts weak and I can't even cry
I'm sposed to run to you but WHY I'm such an evil guy
The sun's shining but for me it's the darkest of days
Try to pretend it never happened but the guilt remains
I leave the house it feels like everybody knows I did it
Feels like they reading my mind and know the sin I committed
Through your blood I'm aquitted but my heart doesnt get it
Oh God I'm desperate for Help cause I'm grieving your Spirit
I couldn't sing in the sunday service, Lord I felt fake
And when they started communion I just made an escape
I'm in need of your grace
Feels like you hid your face
Lead me back to cross and show me my sins erased

I'm waste deep in my pity
Is Satan tryna trick me and tell me you won't forgive me
Cause it's startin to get me
Jesus help me quickly I hate wrong I've done
I know we all fall but I feel like the only one
Feels like I should be shunned
Should I punish myself
I know it's dumb cause by your death all my sin has been dealt
But my sin is been felt
I didn't want to do it
But what I want to do I don't
I swear I'm gonna to lose it
Try to open my bible I need to read your pages

I need you Lord but my guilt has got me feeling so faithless
Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Have mercy on me God according to your steady love
Wipe away my transgression and wash me in your blood
Create in me a clean heart renew a right spirit
Don't take your Spirit away your Presence keep me near it
I'm waiting patience on you Lord I know you hear my cry
Restore your Joy in me
For you alone I live and die

It's you I Glorify cause you don't want my sacrifice
You want me broken and contrite trusting in the Christ
I confess to you my sin and you show me mercy
I turn away from it demonstrating that you are worthy
Over lust, over pride, over all sin
Is my affection for Jesus is who died for all them
I was lost now I'm found I was toss to the ground
My sin weighed on me heavy but I am no longer bound
As sure as Christ wears the crown
I know that grace will abound
And even when I feel lost I know in You I am found

Self Control....

"People do not drift toward growth and discipline. We tend to drift toward complacency." - Lecrae

Very wise Lecrae (most scripture based lyrical rapper) hit it on the head. He's right our natural desire is not to be "better person" no our natural tendency is the opposite. 

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means the only complete realist.”― C.S. Lewis

Why is it that I still don't get this? I know why because normally I just give in and don't rely on HIM and ask for his help to fight those constant temptations in my life.

Self-control is probably my hardest struggle in almost every area of my life. Why is it so difficult? Or is it? 

The key to self control is realizing just what Lecrae and C.S Lewis were talking about....we don't have the POWER in our flesh to fight all our fleshly desires, only the SPIRIT indwelling in us. Every child of God is enabled to master his thoughts, desires, inclinations, impulses, resentments, and keep them from spinning out of control by gaining strength from the Holy Spirit. 

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law."         Galatians 5:16-18 

Practicing the spiritual discipline of self control takes me constantly yielding to the Spirit and asking for the supernatural power. Surrendering myself over as a living sacrifice....be transformed (changing) by the renewing of our mind. It's by God's power but we have a part to play.... Taking every thought captive and having a Christ-like perspective. (2 Corth 10:5)  

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2 

Spring Break

Oh the joys of spring break...sleeping late, staying up late, laying around, reading my pile of books (that I never seem to find time to read), REST! 


My favorite part of spring break so far.....


ISI Tejas Spring Break retreat
This past weekend, I had the awesome opportunity to join international students from colleges/universities all over Texas on a weekend adventure at Rockin' C Ranch. When approached with the idea I was very hesitant (normally hesitant with new things out of my comfort zone ) After some thought and prayer I knew it was something I wanted to be involved in. 


I had the privilege to not only fellowship with the international students but teach some of their children in a VBS formatted style. It was simple not a big production but so meaningful really unlike any children's ministry teaching I have ever done. Most of the children were unfamiliar with the Bible stories I read to them out of the Jesus Storybook Bible . They soaked up every word that was read and discussed!

Rainy Day so we had game time- UNO style jenga with, Linda Wu

(Third grader my favorite age :) )

When I wasn't teaching the sweet international children I was able to build relationships and spend time with many of the international students. Many of these students are new to the faith or still just unsure. I'm excited to continue to strengthen these friendships back at home by getting involved with the ISI students at UT Tyler and TJC a ministry led by my friend, Emily Manasco! (Mission field in our back yard!) 

                                                    Making S'mores -  first timers

                                          Tyler Represent'


Just read an article posted by my friend, pastor titled- Do we really love people who aren't Christians? Well I will let you read it yourself. Basically (I'll sum it up) the way that we can show our love to people is by spending time with them and investing in their lives. Honestly and transparently, the majority of the the people that I spend my time with are Christians. Although, that's not a horrible bad thing. How often do I spend time with people that I have the opportunity to share Jesus with? My eyes are open to the charge- to reach people -unbelievers and to love them by spending time with them! Who knows maybe international students may be the place to start. 


Do we really love people who aren't Christians?

Summer is OVER!

Unfortunately, summer is officially over for me. Although it has been quite an interesting one. Lots of changes for me personally, some have been easy and some have been hard. One thing stays the same is God is in control. I have to cling on to this promise and know that he has a plan and purpose for me way greater than my teeny tiny brain can think about. Most of the time, I can get bogged down by lives trials and I have to stop and BE STILL! 

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

What a refreshing tiny scripture, with so much truth packed into those eight words! He is GOD! Enough said!

So some highlights of my summer....

CAMT conference- Gaylord Texan 2011

This was lots of fun, some math was learned but more than that friendships were strengthened and new ones were formed! I laughed more over those three days than I had all summer! I love to be around people who 'get me'! I especially enjoyed my roomie- Jean Simmons she was a great care taker, she even tucked me into bed...haha! I seriously work with the best people ever!

I love her! 

Arbor Backyard Bible Club

Let me start my mentioning how we seriously have the best kids ever. No really, I was so impressed by our youth kids ability to step up and lead our children. We meet at Rose Rudman and had  VBS style activities, and different colored team with spirit competitions! It was lots of fun the kids really enjoyed getting all spirited up. More than that they loved praising and worshiping Jesus. There is nothing better to watch than kids singing, praying, and reading God's word. I love working with Children's ministry for this very reason. I am humbled again and again by their compassion for each other and their sweet spirits. I think we could all learn lots from them.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

 

Overall, a great summer! I am truly blessed. I have felt an out pouring of God's love through my friends and church family. I am overwhelmed by the generosity and encouragement. I am thankful. 

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.       - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Submission- you mean I gotta give up control?

The past month has been quite the adventure, just like any new venture there will be ups and downs. One thing remains constant, I know who directs my paths.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6


Submission is a very hard thing to do. I really think that I know best. Webster defines Submission as..."an act of submitting to the authority or control of another.."   I have proven time after time that when I insert my will (my own desire to control) into His -I just mess things all up. I'm pretty good at that. Over the past few weeks I've had a lot of time to really reflect and meditate on His Word. God keeps showing me that same thing over and over again--I gotta give up control!!  Submission is just what Webster said....giving over ALL authority and control over to not just any person, but to MY Creator, Father, Savior, and Friend.

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
  He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.
Psalm 23:1-6